I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
