just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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