saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
