dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
