I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
