Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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