Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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