I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
