I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
