I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
