i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
