I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i came on her dog
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
