how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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