it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
