I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
