when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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