I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
