it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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