I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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