So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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