I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
