On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize