I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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