i love accidental penises.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
