k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
