Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
