That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
