I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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