What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
