im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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