Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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