Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
