Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
