I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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