omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
