I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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