sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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