FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
