i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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