She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
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