Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
