I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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