The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
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we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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