Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
