Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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