hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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