fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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