I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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