Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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