I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
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Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.