Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize