Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
