life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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