Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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