literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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