2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
