My nipple is on Facebook.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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