woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
