Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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