i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
