i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
