u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
