When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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