I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
